This is just hard

Earlier this week Nate and I moved a giant rug out of our bedroom in order to move a new one in. I knew this was not going to be fun. I filmed it, and when going back over the footage I realized the audio was golden: at one point, off camera (right after Nate has almost tripped over a bin I left in the hallway all while carrying our super heavy old rug out of the bedroom) I said to him “I am getting the feeling that you hate me.” To which he replies, “No, I don’t hate you, it’s just hard.”

This was really not very serious. The “hard thing” was more physically taxing than anything and it was over in a half hour. But what Nate said to me really stayed with me. It’s not you, this is just hard. He wasn’t frustrated with me. He was frustrated with the rug. And it wasn’t just hard for him. Moving the rug was equally hard for me.

And it got me thinking how often this happens in marriage: Something is hard. It causes one or both partners to think that the other does not like them. But in reality the negative emotions they are showing are not directed at you, they are directed at the hard thing. It is the situation that they do not like, not you. And it’s very likely you don’t like the situation either.

Anyways, I wanted to share this because the language felt powerful. Maybe you’re up 10x a night with a newborn or you have a sick child or your job is crazy stressful or the holidays bring up pain. Whatever it is, I think there’s a lot of clarity in saying to your partner “I know I seem _____, but it’s not because of you. This is just hard.” And there’s a good chance they might reply, “This is hard for me, too.”

…”Me, too.” Not a response of defense, but of solidarity. Unity.

And just like that, you’re on the same team again.

Instead of being face to face, staring each other down, you’re side by side, both able to look at whatever the problem is and take it on together. Not as opponents, but as a team.