Looking Through a Window: Authenticity v. Oversharing

I’ve been thinking so much about the concept of authenticity online versus oversharing, and I feel like it’s something that is coming up more and more in my life as my kids are getting older. It’s one thing to share about a two year old having a tantrum (who can’t relate to that?) but quite another to share about a teen struggling with anxiety. Even outside of my own family, there are things happening to people I know and love that affect me, but are not mine to share.

There’s a tension I keep coming back to: not wanting anyone to believe that my life is perfect, but also not telling stories that aren’t mine to tell.

As I was thinking about this, the most powerful analogy centered around social media being a window into someone’s life. When you look through a window, you don’t get to see the entire home. Maybe you can see down the hall or a small closet or into the kitchen, but you don’t get the bedrooms. There’s a lot of the house you simply can’t see from that viewpoint; you don’t have access to them. Social media is that same way. It’s a view into part of a person’s life, but not their entire life. I think that’s a really good and healthy thing. The only shows that have video cameras in the bedrooms tend to end badly, focus on drama, or be X-Rated.

This way of thinking shows up in our real lives as well. When I first shared some thoughts about this on instagram, a reader messaged me a helpful analogy from her real life: in her church setting, when she’s having a hard time, she shares it with the people in her small group. It’s not something she’s announcing in front of the whole congregation. She isn’t being inauthentic with who she shares with, she’s being selective, and not as a way to hide, but to protect her family’s privacy. The whole church does not have unfettered access to her entire home, just a few people trusted people.

Where I do think online can get tricky, and it’s worth parsing out a bit more: what does the window I allow people to look through show? I think there’s a responsibility on both parties:

As the person consuming: You have to remember that you are looking through a window, not walking through someone’s entire house. It’s unreasonable to assume that because someone hasn’t shown you marital struggles, parenting difficulties, financial stress, loneliness, grief, whatever, those things don’t exist.

The biggest tension I feel is believing that if people aren’t seeing that side of my life, then I’m creating a facade that my life is perfect. And as my kids get older, I feel a strong conviction to protect their privacy, but also a desire for you not to believe I am the perfect mom with perfectly well-behaved children. I want you to feel seen and understood in my content, not isolated. I want you to come and see Kate has bad days too. Kate has parenting struggles too.

Here’s where I have landed (on this ever evolving topic on an ever evolving platform): authenticity doesn’t require completeness. I can share overarching things that feel hard in parenting without specifics. I can share what a situation is bringing up in me without sharing the specifics of the situation.

Anyways, something I have been thinking about. Maybe this post doesn’t require completeness either? Welcome your thoughts here.