Resolutions for Real Life
Wait, it’s January…again!?!
Hey friends! The Christmas decorations are officially back in the attic, the halls have been decked, and just like that, another holiday season has passed. Sigh.
I’ve had several of y’all DM me and ask if I participate in New Year’s resolutions. Short answer: yes! But I do them a little differently.
The short answer is yes because I love the momentum that January brings. It’s like going out in the morning to run 3 miles by yourself versus going out and running a 5K with a bunch of other people. There’s more energy in numbers! I love that collectively we are asking what we might want to change to better ourselves and those around us.
I do them a bit differently because I spend the majority of my time looking back, not forwards, and I think smaller is better.
What I Like About Resolutions
I’ve always loved resolutions not for the pressure, but for the reflection they invite.
I think where a lot of us go wrong is that we let the perfect ‘Barbie-dream-self’ version decide our goals for the upcoming year — not the realistic self (you know…the sleep-deprived version with work responsibilities, marriage, children, friends, hormones, etc.)
The problem is that resolutions created by our ‘Barbie-dream-self’ often overpromise and underdeliver. Many people abandon them within weeks — not because they lack effort or desire, but because the change was too abrupt, too large, too disconnected from day-to-day reality.
2 Tips To Create Change
- Know thyself.
If you’ve been around Naptime Kitchen for a while, you’ve probably heard me talk about the book Better Than Before. The author, Gretchen Rubin, realized that by asking the suspiciously simple question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain powerful self-knowledge.
She dives into four categories of how people respond to expectations and how knowing which category you are in can help you figure out the best way to set goals. For example: the majority of people are Obligers. They need outer expectations to reach a goal. That is why meeting a friend to go for a walk (that other person is counting on you) is a better way to create a workout habit than going on a walk alone. In that way, an Obliger can figure out how to create rhythms that involve outer expectations and not beat themselves up when they aren’t good at holding to inner expectations. A Questioner would buck a friend encouraging them to a new resolution; they would need to be convinced of something themselves before making any resolutions. She also has an entire book called The Four Tendencies that dives into each of the four personalities, I just like Better Than Before because it applies those personalities to habits.
Hopefully I haven’t lost you with this. But basically, you need to know yourself before you go setting goals. What time of day do you have the most energy? What motivates you? Use who you are to your advantage!
- Make it sustainable.
One of my friends who was getting back into working out postpartum with her first baby felt super intimidated about joining a gym again. She challenged herself to go to the gym for 30 days in a row. But get this — all she committed was that she would DRIVE herself to the gym parking lot. For the first 3 days, she didn’t even go inside. Then for a few days she just went to the locker room and took a shower. Then for a few days she walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes. But guess what?! By day 30, she had formed the habit and was regularly attending classes again with confidence. What I love here is that she created a daily rhythm. Drive to the gym. That’s the rhythm! That was small enough to sustain.
In my book, I Just Wish I Had A Bigger Kitchen, I talk about how Nate began running one mile every morning. Never more — just the one mile. While running one mile a day is a lot less glamorous than signing up to run a marathon, small habits are easier to say yes to every single day. And guess what? If Nate is still running one mile a day and doing yoga in ten years, he will be better off than the vast majority of people his age.
Three Self-Reflection Questions
When I see that there is a gap between how I am living and how I want to be living, I ask myself these three questions:
1. Did I do what I said I was going to do last year? If not, am I upset about it?
This question is important because it forces you to pause and look back on the past year before you jump into the new year. Here’s two examples for me personally.
A: Learn to sew. This is a resolution I have made multiple times. In case you haven’t guessed already, I didn’t learn. You know why? I never asked someone to teach me or signed up for lessons. But also, it hasn’t impacted my life at all and I don’t regret that I spent time I could have used learning to sew on doing other things. For that reason, it’s not a resolution I have this year.
B: Read more books. When I look back on the past year, I didn’t read more books. I did read every night before bed instead of scrolling my phone, but I didn’t read more books. And looking back, I actually couldn’t care less how many books I read. I just want to read before bed instead of scrolling on my phone. So in a way, I “failed” at this goal, but it actually wasn’t the right goal. Moving into the new year, I will seek to maintain the habit of reading before bed. (Note: I do this by reading on a Kindle and charging my phone in the other room. I can’t charge my phone in the bedroom; I simply do not have the self-control not to scroll. More on that below…)
If you’re reflecting right now on a goal that you didn’t meet, don’t beat yourself up! Just ask yourself this question and use it as data — learn from it for this year.
2. Is this goal based out of a personal want or need?
The reason this question matters is because it reveals the core motivation behind the ‘why’ of a resolution.
And let’s be honest with ourselves…sometimes the real reason we have a goal is to keep up with the Joneses. There are going to be a lot of people doing sugar-free diets and purchasing gratitude journals, but before you jump on board, I want you to honestly ask yourself, “Is this something I actually want to do? Or something I think I should be doing because others are?”
And if the answer is no, you don’t need to feel an ounce of guilt that you aren’t partaking. Just because a large group of people is doing something does not make it right for you! Don’t take precious time training for a marathon you have no desire to run. Your habits and goals are YOURS after all. Make them and own them.
There is one caveat here…Sometimes there are things we know we need to be doing (or not doing) whether we want to or not, and it’s our responsibility to take ownership there.
A while back, I resolved to charge my phone in the kitchen at night so when I went to bed I was officially ‘offline’. No texts, no internet, no scrolling. While I love laying in bed and looking at funny reels just as much as the next gal, I knew I needed to keep it outside the bedroom at night because it was having a negative impact on my sleep and therefore my life. It was not fun. I did not enjoy it. But I believed in the long-term value of breaking my nighttime phone addiction, even at the cost of some good late-night memes. You, however, might like to scroll for a few minutes and have the self-control to put your phone down and go to sleep. You don’t need to charge your phone in the other room. It’s not a need for you like it was for me. But maybe your weekend glasses of wine habit is now an “every day that ends in ‘y’ habit” or your late night screen time has doubled causing you to constantly snooze the alarm. Like I said above, know thyself, and be honest with yourself if you know something needs to change.
3. How will this goal work in my specific season of life?
Thinking of things in terms of a season of life really helps me to focus on how to thrive in the specific circumstances I am given, knowing it won’t always be this way. You need to ask yourself how to implement your resolutions in a way that works in the current season you are in, NOT in some future season you wish to be in or the person you’re comparing yourself to on Instagram is in.
Example: I strongly prefer to exercise in the morning, but back when Allie was waking up anywhere between 4AM to 5AM for the day, I never knew when my morning was going to begin and exercise couldn’t be my priority. Allowing myself to let go of that goal in that season was SO freeing. I switched it up and instead exercised during her morning nap, or opted for a leisurely stroller walk on days when I felt especially tired. And (Praise God!) that season didn’t last forever! Allie now sleeps until 7 a.m. and I work out in the morning again.
Maybe you have a goal to be more organized, but you also work and have three young kids. What would being more organized actually mean in this season? Maybe it’s something smaller, like going to bed every night with a clean kitchen. Or maybe what irks you more than anything is all the shoes by the front door, and “being organized” would actually be creating a drop zone for all the toddler shoes (I love when a goal can be solved by a practical solution!)
Thinking in terms of seasons helps me to not freak out when it’s hard, and also to be grateful when it’s good. Seasons don’t last forever.
I Dare You To Just Try
You officially have my permission (for what it’s worth) to take January as a trial month. Set your new rhythm(s) into effect and use this upcoming month to figure out how to make them work for you. You’ll fail at some, and that’s okay!!! That’s all part of the learning, and I promise you’ll be better for it, because it will teach you more about yourself.
