She was born on October 20th. 7 pounds, 13 ounces. 21.5 inches long. 

She’s so perfect and the best little gift we could ever ask for!

I am sure nicknames will come over time, but we are loving calling her Alberta ????

 

In the last 6 weeks leading up to my due date, Nate and I decided to go on a date a week. SIX DATES! Yes, we had to plan for this. Yes, it was expensive. But in the end we knew it would be infinitely worth it in terms of how it would bless our marriage. Also, we knew spending that much money on sitters and eating out would end up leveling out because we likely wouldn’t go for a date for a month or two post baby. 

 

These weekly dates gave us a chance to laugh and to remember that we aren’t just co-parents. We are friends! We love each other! They also gave us a chance to talk about logistics. To make lists of names we loved and decide on some winners. To talk about what we were excited for and what we were nervous for. 

 

All in all, these dates gave us a chance to know each other better in this specific phase of life we are in, and I know it will pay off immensely in loving each other well after this new baby comes. 

This bit of wisdom comes from my dear friend Erin Colby, back when we attended Good Shepherd Wednesday morning Bible study in Durham, NC. I have no idea why this topic came up, but Erin explained that she and her husband Robbie both worked all day in their respective jobs, and then saw 5-8pm as the second shift for both of them. She went on to explain that as a stay at home mom, it can be easy to resent your spouse when they come home from the office and want to rest. How dare they! You have been with the kids all day. You need the rest! Likewise, as the husband, you can resent coming home from a long day at the office and being expected to jump right in at home. You have been working all day! Can’t she see you just need some time to sit?!

 

 

The second shift gives validity to the jobs of both parties, while also recognizing that there is a second shift that requires workers. One partner might work hard all day long outside the home while the other works hard inside the home. Regardless of the demands of each person’s particular job, 5-8pm is a second shift for both. The responsibilities might be divided, but both are on the clock and needed. You each worked first shift at your respective jobs, and now you both clock in for the 5-8 shift.

 

This might look like your spouse coming to you after dinner and saying: “Hey sweetheart, would you rather do the dishes or bathtime?” 

Both need to be done in the second shift. 

 

And hey, if you have more margin, maybe only one person is needed for the second shift and you switch off who gets a night off! But at the end of the day, this mindset is about recognizing that both parties are likely exhausted and want a break. But there’s a second shift both are signed up to work and needed for. 

 

This next piece of wisdom was worked out in conversation with some of my best friends, and it is something I cannot get out of my head. We were talking (and complaining) about how frustrating it can be to have a husband who is constantly asking questions about things that go along with the daily tasks of running the household. One of my friends had the amazing insight that if any of us were to go to the place where our spouse works, it would be ridiculous for said spouse to be frustrated with us for not knowing where the paper clips were, or what time we usually take lunch, or how to work the copier. 

 

The reason it wouldn’t be fair for our spouse to get annoyed with us if we had questions about these things is because it isn’t out primary place of work. It isn’t where we spend the bulk of our time and energy. 

 

And yes, I know to a certain extent the spouse who isn’t home should still know where the silverware is kept and when the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, etc. (*Remember, the Second Shift requires both parties to be all hands on deck.) But I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to memorize the intricate schedule you keep while they are away at work. 

 

This mindset shift has been so helpful for me when it comes to talks around the house with Nate, and has greatly changed how I have been preparing him for this fourth baby. Nate is a very, very hands on dad. He also helps a ton in the kitchen with dishes, trash, etc. But that doesn’t mean he knows what needs to be packed in the girls book bags, or what time the carpool line begins for John Robert. He doesn’t ever do those things, so why would I expect him to know those details any more than he would expect me to know the details of what he does at work. 

 

What I have tangibly been doing to help him is making lists and schedules that are all being taped to the front of the fridge. A checklist for JR’s bookbag. One for the girls’ bags. A daily schedule with all the drop off and pick up times. Phone numbers for both kids schools. All in one place. All easy for him to access and stay on track for the things he will be helping with in those first few weeks postpartum while he works from home.

 

At the end of the day, I am the House Manager. I order groceries when we are low, I keep tabs on the daily schedule. It’s not worth it for me to resent him for not knowing things that aren’t part of his daily schedule. Instead, I am trying to set him up for success as the Interim House Manager (I will be sure to have some sort of ceremony to bestow on him this highly esteemed title).